The Art Of Peaceful Communication
by Aliah Selah
Speaking in a peaceful manor or with peaceful words is frequently
the focus of techniques that teach people to communicate peacefully. While
this can be an important step in the right direction, truly peaceful communication
is centered in the intention to do what’s best for all concerned. At
times this can mean being willing to risk disagreement or even to confront
someone directly.
The first 5 steps are to be done before you talk to the person
who is involved in a conflict with you.
(The Letter Writing Tool is highly recommended)
The idea is to listen to the intention behind what is said.
The
Basic Principles:
#1 Keeping Agreements – Keeps The Connection
It is really important to keep our agreements both with ourselves
and with others. However sometimes we find that an agreement made is not working
for us at all and perhaps we got asked to do something that was not really
a good thing for us to do. Kind, fair, negotiations are what create a healthy
interdependent relationship. Another important part is seeing relationships
as in between two people, as it's own entity that must be cared for by those
involved. When people see this, they can apologize to the relationship when
they argue or “dis-connect”. It’s all about keeping the
connection!
#2
Co-Creating Interdependent Relationships – Builds Trust
We all need to balance the need for independence and autonomy
with the need for support and the reality of how connected we all are and
how much we do need each other in some ways. Doing something for someone even
when it hurts to do so - is the first sign of being in a co-dependent relationship.
A co-dependent relationship is co-dependent because one or both are unable
to negotiate or re-negotiate for their valid needs, for whatever reason. So,
the second sign is not being able to negotiate or re-negotiate on agreements
made if need be. Life happens and we do the best we can – simply being
honest and taking responsibility for what happens builds trust. Interdependent
relationships allow for an honest flow of negotiations that consider the needs
of everyone that’s involved. Everyone one is heard and considered in
decisions to whatever extent they have valid points to offer.
7
Steps in the Art Of Peaceful Communication
1. How do I begin?
Taking a good look at the big picture -
Awareness of the situations / relationship overview
(Patterns over time – keeping a journal can be a wonderful tool for
this.)
2. How am I feeling?
Taking a good look at what I may be adding to the conflict (passive aggressively
or co-dependently) and what is my own stuff that I need to process BEFORE
I go to the person I am having a conflict with. The Letter Writing Tool is
a wonderful way to process ones feelings - especially if the person can't/won't
process with us now or perhaps ever.
The unsent letter becomes a way to process our feelings (without causing further
conflicts with the person) and serves as re-focusing tool and rehearsal.
3. How are they feeling?
Empathy (interdependent love) for the person, how are they
feeling why do they behave in destructive or counter-productive ways?
Sometimes it is our projection of how we think they are feeling – mostly
it is important to feel the conflict from their side – empathy is very
powerful.
4. How can I tell them?
How can I tell what I'm feeling/what is happening in our relationship
from my perspective ways without making them feel further disconnection?
5. How can we both compromise to find resolutions
for our heartfelt needs?
Taking time to think about his before we are speaking about
it is wonderful preparation. Is there a possible resolution? It is important
to have some ideas before we approach the person again. Or, at least be honest
that we don’t have any solutions and perhaps together
we can come up with some.
6. How & when do we actually speak on these matters?
Choosing the perfect moment to begin with this process with
or the other person once it is done for oneself is key to it being resolved
more easily.
The focus is on fair negotiations for what's best for all concerned through
listening a lot to each other's feelings and ideas. First and foremost, it's
important to validate the other persons situation - this builds trust and
only then can resolutions be made.
7. How do we make positive constructive processing
so that we find resolutions and co-create a follow-through plan?
This is the work that happens when the connection is healed.
Before the connection is healed the work should not even begin and trying
to make it begin before the healing only makes the situation more difficult
to reach peace. If you start with the things you agree on and appreciate each
other first for what has been offered -
then peace is the natural outcome. Giving the person an out with dignity and
seeing that conflicts are never one-sided. If someone is acting in an unreasonable
way and has no desire to be reasonable at this time - it's best to bow out
gracefully giving them an a way to see your intentions for peace with them
and allowing them to have time to think over the interaction. Sometimes if
one does this several times and no resolution has been made - then it may
be time to bless them on their way and choose, "Next".
If we handle hard situations well (loving and without blame) we are offered
upgrades (people who come along with similar traits yet more reasonable towards
us) so that we may continue our path of growth. This is all about growth -
if someone chooses not to grow for now - give them loving support, (perhaps
from a distance if need be) and pray for them while envisioning their highest
good becomeing more present. Then, allow yourself to be open to others who
may be able to be there for you in a more balanced way. As we raise our conscious
vibrations those of similar vibrations appear. (The nucleus effect)
.
If we handle conflicts and transitions well...
the upgrade is guaranteed!
3 Steps to Soul Mates and Life Callings
In some cases a Transparenting Life Reading
may be helpful.
With both birth family and current family dynamics
- as well as work place dynamics - and all relationships for that matter -
Transparenting Life Readings do more than just offer insights we
seek to offer you skills to transform any relationships through understanding
how to create "interdependent"
relationships.
Through many Transparenting Tools and especially
negotiating skills like
The Art of "Disarming the Bully" both
within and around us.
Blessings to you, your loved ones, and every part of your journey!
