The Art Of Disarming The Bully (within & around us).

Have you had ENOUGH of:

"PLAYGROUND POLITICS"

"Passive-Agressive Sabotage"

& "HARD NEGOTIATIONS"?

IS "TAKING IT"

REALLY BEING KIND?

IT IS TIME TO

TAKE BACK OUR POWER

IN A KIND, LOVING, & MATURE WAY...

THROUGH THE ART OF DISARMING

THE BULLY - WITHIN & AROUND US.

WHY SPEAK UP?

We can choose to be a "victim"
(run away and say nothing)
or a "rebel" (fight for what is "right")
or we can choose to take the sensitivity of the "victim"
and the strength of the "rebel"
to seek what is true & defend it when we put the two together...
we become the HERO.
The hero of our own lives..
The star of our own movie.
The Rockstar in our own rock concert...
you get the idea.

And it works for all aspects of life... even politics.

Put it up to your mirror
use your own setting & characters
find what rings true... listen to your
inner motivation and it will lead you to kindness...
and kindness grows inner motivation
as we choose to live a deliberately extraordinary life.

What do we do when there's conflict?
Remember every good story
needs conflict and the quality
of the movie, or book... is in
HOW the conflict is handled.

Points to remember:

1) Continually give them
an "out with dignity".

2) Be constructively honest about your feelings
without judging them for their actions or reactions.

3) Keep affirming to them
(and to you) that they are not their behaviors, that who they are -
is much more and that you are holding a space for that.

4) Continually offer kindness that's honest and loving while still being clear about what's really going on through offering exact examples of non-productive bully behaviors that are told in a constructive perspective of what's best for all concerned (including them).

5) Keep focused on the relationship that you share,
(business or project you share) and assuring them that you are committed to doing what's best for it, and that is always finding what is best for all...
and eventually it becomes obvious if you are paying attention
and willing to speak at a good time.

6) Keep affirming that you are in this together and that we all deserve real happiness in this life and bully behaviors never leads to real happiness.

Help them to see that it's not
in THEIR best interest
to act this way - and that
it is not who they are... it is a behavior.

Often it's for the first time they have the ability to see how they are behaving without feeling the need to defend it because of the shame that most corrections contain. When it's done effectively - they see a person with a gentle strength who is an example of a kind loving (transparenting) parent who patiently explains, and more importantly who's an example of why & how to do things in this way. Emphasizing that no matter how hidden it may be, we all do want & deserve joy.

Handling things in this manner they see (again, sometimes for the first time) that we all win when we are considerate, kind and loving in our interactions and our whole world grows a bit more livable. If we stay in our hearts and listen to how they feel while asking questions that allow them to come to conclusions for solutions as to how to handle things differently - rather than give them "advice" - they can be completely disarmed or at least the walls around their hearts crack a bit..
(or even a gate has been made in a wall, so that certain people that earn their trust may come in through it.)

Because we handle things in this way, our friends & loved ones
(especially our kids) come back to us in time of need. However, interdependence happens when we are able to also go to these friends & loved ones when we are hurting and seek counsel - creating balanced interdependent relationships through receiving as well as giving.

Giving An Out With Dignity

When you begin with the first 3 steps you make a real connection
and you can ask to give a clear example that is unquestionably off
for everyone involved and how it made you feel - if done while holding the first 3 step in your words
- the person should understand how you felt and if you say you are sorry for your part in it
and that sorry doesn't mean you are wrong or bad.
It means you are sorry you hurt the person's feelings -
that you care about them.
If they hear you are not threatening them -
you are supporting them into new behaviors that are best for their own goals as well.

This allows the person a way to apologize and still keep their dignity.
When we forgive them we have touched our hearts and now -
it's time to negotiate.

Instant Karma Is A Gift

The important thing is this...
UNDERSTANDING THAT IF WE HURT OTHERS
IN ANY WAY -
WE HURT OURSELVES.
If we curse someone - we curse our soul.
If we steal from someone, we steal from our soul.
There is no getting away with it... as some justify unkind actions.
If you feel better putting other people down...
then you will not feel the effects of your behavior
and more of your time will be spent
in that behavior... some might feel when they had woken up
from that behavior like they wasted their time in it.
The only lesson that starts the journey and
keeps you there is that kindness
is just a lot more fun and it feels better inside.

Some people have watched those before them act as bullies
to get stuff done.
They feel that if they bully people into productivity
they will get better results - yet just the opposite is true.

And most reasonable people would agree...
and yet then people might start talking about it happening...
even though we all think it is not cool...
and yet still it is there at work.

What will it take to educate people to know
that it is not getting them what they really want...
and it isn't even helping with what they think they want either...
CONTROL... or ruling through fear is a huge bourdon
to carry with you on your walk.
People are thinking that they are being productive
with negative force.
If may appear like it is more productive to bully that way
yet in the long run it will not bear as much fruit
as productivity that is filled with happy employees,
or happy family members, or ball team, or whatever.

Any group that has a focus... needs leader who brings
out the best in each person... how do they do it?
They are using
INNER MOTIVATION & KINDNESS
and each one feeds the other and it is contagious
because deep inside everyone want to be happy.

Their inner motivation was taken from them
and so they forgot about kindness...
and as one finds inner motivation they feel better about themselves...
become kinder with themselves and that makes them kinder
to everyone around them.

If you have ever been in a play... or on a movie set
everyone works together to do the show -
and if the director is fun and laid back while being
inspirationally insightful
the show is magical.
If the director is picky and criticizes a lot & is stressed out -
the actors hold back and there is a tension that always around.

When you begin with the first 3 steps you make a real connection and you can ask to give a clear example that is unquestionably off for everyone involved and how it made you feel - if done while holding the first 3 step in your words - the person should understand how you felt and if you say you are sorry for your part in it and that sorry doesn't mean you are wrong or bad. It means you are sorry you hurt the person's feelings - that you care about them. If they hear you are not threatening them - you are supporting them into the new behavior that is best for their own goals as well. This allows the person a way to apologize and still keep their dignity.
When we forgive them we have touched our hearts and now - it's time to negotiate.

REMEMBER:

Most people who act like bullies...
really need a hug...
they have not been treated kindly
and need to be shown what a kind parent
who is in the best interest of all concerned would do...
because they did not have such a parent.

So be the compassionate adult
who has come to keep the peace...
and stand up for what is best for all concerned -
for the good of everyone - including all the generations to come.

The Art Of Disarming The Bully -
(within & around us)

1. Validate

2. Appreciate

3. Give an "out with dignity"

4. Negotiate Fairly - listening to everyone
everyone gets a voice

5. Re-negotiate
(It's not over until everyone feels better!)

6. Co-Create A Resolution Plan
(new behavior pattern)

7. Visualize The Resolution Action Together
("I can see you..)

(After Action Taken)

8. Feedback on the Results

9. Adjustment (if needed)

10. Celebration for
Accomplishment & Growth

This is an organic process.. allow yourself to be in a space of service
and you will be shown the perfect example
and the best time to connect with them about it.

Remember: People act like bullies because they were bullied by others
and they believe that that is the only way
to motivate people to do what they want.

Inspiration of someone who lives what they speak
is the only real motivation - everything else backfires.

And knowing that people do want what's good for them -
it does not need to be forced.

So please wait until the person in question has behaved
in a way that is without question not good for the group..
or themselves or the relationship and save this as an concrete example.
It's usually best not to talk to them at that time
because they will be much more defensive about it
and for sure not when others are around.

Patiently wait until you are have a connected moment
or at least there is a relative ease in the interactions.
Then, ask them if it's a good time to talk
(or when that might be) and if you could go somewhere in
private so you won't be interrupted.

Steps To Remember..

1. Validate
2. Appreciate
3. Give an "out with dignity"

It's good to begin by telling them how much
you can see that they care about the family,
business, marriage, or whatever community
that you both are part of.
And that you know they care
about how they do -
it's good to remember something
they do really well
and tell them about it.

Be sure not to sound patronizing...
BE SINCERE or don't do it. In fact,
you must really like something about the person
or it's best not to do this either.

Then, ask them if they are interested in your insight about something that happened recently.

If they say yes, then again tell them that you know they want what's best for everyone and if there is a quality that you honestly admire about them - this is a good time to say something about it.
When you fell a sense of rapport - then continue with telling them aobut the example that you witnessed and how it made your feel and that you know they didn't intend to make you fell that way yet that you feel it is not best for all involved to handle things that way.

Then see what they have to say... and really listen.

A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO JON STEWART & THE DAILY SHOW
FOR LEADING THE WAY WITH COMPASSIONATE HUMOR
THAT GIVES US THE REAL NEWS.
THEY ARE THE BEST AT SHOWING THE HYPOCROCY
AND ALL THE HONEST DETAILS THAT SHOW
THE AGENDA BEHIND THE AGENDA.

JON'S SHOW IS POWERFUL BECAUSE IT SHOWS HOW WE ARE ALL CONNECTED
AND WHY WHAT IS HAPPENING IS NOT GOOD FOR THE WHOLE PLANET &
THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING THE DAILY SHOW BECAUSE OF THAT FACT.

LET THE DAILY SHOW INSPIRE YOU TO KNOW
THROUGH THEIR LIGHT HEARTED HUMOR
HOW IT IS TIME NOW TO SHOW OUR HUMANITY &
HOW MUCH WE ALL REALLY CARE ABOUT OUR COUNTRY
& RESTORE OUR SANITY FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE -
AS WE LOVINGLY "JUST SAY NO!"

NOW IS THE TIME...

LIKE NEVER BEFORE IN HISTORY... TO LOVINGLY DISARM THE BULLIES IN POLITICS.

POLITICS NEEDS REASONABLE, HARD WORKING PEOPLE - TO SPEAK UP NOW!

Jon Stewart of the Daily Show has shown us what this looks like

when he interviews people with obvious contrary views.

He is opening dialog and showing how reasonable those to the left can be while holding our ground about being there for those who have valid needs. Many are now homeless & jobless from to bailouts that we were told were needed - then we found out it was due to thoughtless spending and the carelessness of those in power.
It was one thing to borrow money from China to bail us out - something we will pay for in many ways... for many years. Yet to add insult to injury the G.O.P. wants to take away the Federal aid programs that can help these people through the economic crisis- that they did not create.
Wall Street, AIG, and other Big Businesses made it happen... took the bail out and ran... they had a great year... and the wealthiest Americans got their tax breaks
only to lead more middle class to financial ruin... how can we allow this to happen?

Let us show that we are articulate & considerate,
while we show that we have the facts and are not afraid to use them.

THIS IS THE WAY TO SHOW THEM
OUR INNER STRENGTH IS STRONGER
THAN THE FEAR THEY WOULD LIKE US TO HAVE -
THAT FOX NEWS TRIES TO OFFER.

Let Aliah know if you are interested in these trainings...
that can be for political organizers, teachers, students, women, workers, & artists:

LEADERSHIP BULLY SAFE TRAINING

Empowerment Through
Expressive Arts
Leadership through Self-Defense:
physically with basic
Martial Arts
& verbally with
Co-Creative Communications & Comedy Skills
along with
Group Dynamics, Cooperation,
& Collaboration Skills.

Wisdom is infinite and comes in all people -

especially our children when we empower them to know who they are and to honor it..

Transparenting
Expressive Arts & Learning Consultant
Aliah Selah Clar Rheinstein D.Sc., DMP, Ph.D.(c)

Contact Aliah with your questions about
Transparenting Tools & Trainings.

This technique and other Life Arts are an interactive part of
Transparenting Playshops.

Right now our world is changing...
one awakening at a time.

Slowly we are stepping out of "the blur lifestyle"
and taking back our life with KINDNESS -
as each person takes a step towards
LIFE LONG LEARNING
& ERGONOMIC WELLNESS
the planet shines a bit more brightly.

peace